Having anxiety problems is pretty shitty. These problems completely defy any rational attempts at reasoning. It’s completely maddening as someone who deals in logic on a daily basis to be shackled by something entirely immune to that logical approach. I can’t problem-solve my way out of irrational fear, and it interferes with my life on an increasingly regular basis.

I know that it makes no sense. I know that people get into social situations every day and rarely is there a single negative consequence. I know that if I’m in a situation I don’t understand, I can just talk to someone and gain understanding.

I know that I don’t need a safety net for every single situation. And yet, I do. I hate going to meetups and conferences because I don’t know who will be there, what’ll be expected, how I should act, what to do if things happen (whatever those are). The same applies to even simple things, like a restaurant I’m unfamiliar with, or a client meeting. Shopping. Once I’m there, I’m usually OK, but until then…

I’m paralyzed. And it sucks.

This can get in the way of important business — recent examples include:

  • Almost bailing on a presentation by two of my team members.
  • Causing a meeting that might’ve been better off-site to be in-office.
  • Avoiding social occasions (our office is big on local breweries).

In particular, not being able to attend conferences and meetups without herculean effort is a huge thorn in my side. It’s so fucking frustrating knowing that the paralyzing fear is completely nonsensical, and yet there it is.

Having people around you that support you is incredibly helpful for this sort of thing. Reducing unknown variables makes it easier to deal with. I feel better armed. My boss at Big Sea knows about my struggles with this stuff, and makes an effort to help fill in the blanks for any given situation I need to attend.

These are qualities of good leadership that I want to keep in my toolbox.

Supporting my team, even if it’s terrifying.

Knowing my people, and helping them overcome their challenges.

The good thing is that once I’m familiar with a situation, I’m pretty much fine, so in-office I’m completely comfortable. I’m just very much aware that I need to improve my social skills in order to grow as a leader and support my team.